Antes de iniciar Restaurados, estaba completamente abrumada por el quebranto de mi propia historia. Me preguntaba si siempre me dolería tanto. A veces parecía que sería así. Con el tiempo, sin embargo, sentí que mi corazón se sanaba. Sentí que estaba desprendiéndome del dolor. Dios estaba lentamente reemplazando el quebranto por paz y descanso.

Restaurados invita al participante a situar su historia dentro de la historia de Dios. Desde la Caída, Satanás ha estado tratando fervientemente de engañar al pueblo de Dios para que crea que Dios no tiene una Gran Historia. Y si la tuviera, Satanás ciertamente no quiere que sepamos que nuestras propias historias están íntimamente entrelazadas con la Gran Historia de Dios. ¡Pero vaya que lo están!

Mientras hablábamos sobre la Caída durante Restaurados, aprendí que la guerra espiritual busca socavar nuestra relación amorosa con Dios. Siempre había pensado que el objetivo de la guerra espiritual era persuadir al pueblo de Dios a hacer cosas malas.

¿Por qué me creó Dios? «Dios te creó porque te ama y quiere que disfrutes comunión con él». 

Una frase cambió drásticamente la forma en que veía el asalto. Antes y durante Restaurados, estaba obsesionada con el papel de Dios en nuestro sufrimiento. Si Dios era bueno y poderoso, ¿por qué no había impedido la violación? Esa pregunta comenzó a atormentarme. Me sentía tentada a creer las mentiras que me susurraba Satanás. Quizás Dios no era bueno o poderoso. 

Pero todo cambió cuando comprendí que Dios me había creado específicamente para tener comunión amorosa con Él.

El dolor a menudo nos hace sentir incomprendidos. Satanás tiene una forma de hacernos sentir como si nuestras luchas fueran únicas. Yo había experimentado esto cada vez que compartía con alguien sobre el asalto. Me resentía su empatía. «¿Qué saben ellos? No saben lo que es eso». Mi corazón podía ser notablemente insensible hacia otras personas que intentaban animarme desde un lugar de comprensión. Dado que las personas que se preocupaban por mí a menudo no habían sufrido abusos, fácilmente descartaba su sincero aliento con un «no lo entienden».

Durante nuestra primera noche de Restore, hablamos sobre el poder redentor de nuestra historia. Dios usa historias —Su historia y nuestra historia— para darse a conocer a nosotros. Dios no me estaba llamando simplemente a comprender mi historia; me estaba llamando a comprender mi historia a la luz de Su historia. Su historia de amor y restauración le da sentido incluso a las partes confusas y oscuras de mi propia historia.

When I thought about the new heavens and new earth, I imagined that I would no longer feel sadness over the rape. I wouldn’t be tempted to seek comfort through fantasy. I wouldn’t relate to others from a place of fear.

What captivated me most from Isaiah 65:17, though, was that the former things “shall not be remembered or come into mind.” When Jesus returns, I won’t even think about the rape. I won’t remember it. I won’t even think about remembering it!

Learning about Jesus’ desire to draw near to me by His Spirit and through His Word changed the way I approached reading the Bible.

During the dark days of grief over the assault, I opened the Bible, longing to understand why God had allowed this terrible thing to happen to me. I often felt like I was met with silence. Restore helped me to understand that Jesus’ offered up His presence freely to me in the midst of my suffering.

Instead of looking to the Bible for answers as to why, I began to read Scripture through the lens of comfort. All over the pages of my Bible were promises of renewal and hope.

I had always thought the goal of spiritual warfare was to persuade God’s people to do bad things. While Satan certainly is in the business of leading God’s people into sin, Restore was helping me to understand an even more perverse goal of the enemy. He is daily trying to cause me to doubt God’s love for me.

It has been his goal since the beginning. 

I felt the force of these lies during the early months of my pregnancy. I was plagued with fear about potentially losing the baby. Every twinge or ache caused panic to ripple through my body.

Why did God create me? “God made you, because he loves you and wants you to enjoy communion with him.” That one sentence dramatically changed the way I viewed the assault.

Prior to and during Restore, I was obsessed with God’s role in our suffering. If God was good and powerful, why hadn’t He stopped the rape? That question began to haunt me. I felt tempted to believe Satan’s whispering lies. Perhaps God wasn’t good or powerful. 

But everything changed if God created me specifically for loving communion with Him.

“Pain often leaves us feeling misunderstood. Satan has a way of making us feel as if our struggles are unique.

I had experienced this whenever I shared with someone about the assault. I resented their empathy. “What do they know? They don’t know what it’s like.” My heart could be remarkably callous towards others trying to encourage me from a place of understanding. Since the people caring for me often hadn’t experienced abuse, I easily brushed off their sincere encouragement with “they don’t get it.”

“During our first night of Restore, we talked about the redeeming power of our story.

God uses stories—His story and our story—to make Himself known to us. God wasn’t calling me to merely understand my story; He was calling me to understand my story in light of his story. His story of love and restoration gives meaning to even the confusing and dark parts of my own story.”

Every pastor encounters challenges—gaps between God’s design and ministry realities. In this article, Robert Cheong explores how faith gaps in Story, Heart, Care, and Love impact ministry and personal discipleship. Using Brendon’s story, he highlights how Jesus restores brokenness and brings lasting transformation. Discover practical wisdom and hope for closing the gaps in your life and ministry.

Prior to Restore I was quiet and reserved; I preferred to keep to myself and was extremely introverted. I also struggled to get into the Word. I spent a lot of time in my nothing box (where I thought about nothing at all). I did not show emotion and would push down any emotion that would try to come out. I was taught to believe that men do not show emotion.

When I wrote my story as part of the Restore journey, I wrote it easily with no feelings coming out. Once completed, God had spoken to me that day and told me that I was going to read it first. Once I started reading my story, that is when my emotion was broken. I could not hide it or hold it in. God was working on me and showing me that he is with me and would never leave me.

Before I began Restore, I felt as though I didn’t matter. I had spent my life feeling as though I was worthless, and it affected every part of my being.

I didn’t think I was attractive. I had been overweight. When good things were coming my way, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This feeling came from how my parents and my ex-wife consistently treated me. I didn’t feel as though they ever listened to me or valued who I was. I felt like they only heard what I said when it was relayed to them by a third party. It wasn’t just that they didn’t listen to me though, it was also that they consistently showed me I didn’t matter

t my story and situation hasn't changed since Restore started, but I felt like God grabbed my little noggin and said "No, no. Look at it from here."

Prior to Restore, I had sin in my life’s story that I wanted to hide or wished could be erased, because it felt so distant from the person I am today. I felt fully at the mercy of my mind; compulsively running scenarios in my mind that kept me distracted on a regular basis, followed immediately by shame for not being able to focus or feeling like I couldn't control them. I constantly wondered "what ifs" until my brain would run out of alternate endings. Fantasy is a key theme of my story…

Before Restore, I walked covered in shame, anxiety, and depression. I thought that was just how I was. There was no hope or redemption for me. It was just part of me.

God felt so distant and I was mad at Him. I was even mad that I had to do Restore. I thought, “Why bother? Nothing is going to change who or how I am.”

But through Restore, God changed my view on so much.

The first one and the biggest one is my view on community. Wow, did the Lord redeem my view on a small group setting with a bunch of women!

The fall impacted how I saw and understood my life and relationships in a pessimistic way. Because I’ve experienced very heavy, intense, and difficult circumstances related to trauma, grief, and a family member’s repeated suicide attempts, this led me to have a dark outlook and perspective in life. The depression and anxiety at one point was so severe that I felt the pain was unbearable and I didn’t know if I wanted to live.

Because of my circumstances, I did not necessarily doubt that God existed—but I came to believe that though God was real, He did not hear my prayers and therefore, he did not care about me. He was distant.

I had fooled myself into believing that the castle of my heart was warm and welcoming to God, my spouse, and my chosen few. That was a fantasy I wanted myself and others to believe. In reality, I knew I had become the queen of my heavily-fortressed castle in order to protect myself from the recurring themes of mistrust, rejection, being unheard, and being controlled by men.

I had learned to appear to live relationally with my spouse, friends, and even with God, enough that few would question the authenticity. And while it was real, I knew I was holding back my most intimate self in order to protect the deepest recesses of my untrusting broken heart—because I knew I would be rejected, lied to, and broken yet again if I let the wall down.

We tried for 19 months. During this time we were a part of a thriving Christian community, but our friends were too young, and our other relationships in the church were too shallow for someone to tell us that we are indeed dealing with infertility. So we never saw a doctor. Instead, we just buried the fear that something was wrong and entrenched ourselves in what I call “the monthly hope-devastation-lament-cycle.” While struggling through this, we suffered silently and alone.